dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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