i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
