He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
