how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
