I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
