sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
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