I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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