I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
