She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
