My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
