Yo dont text me then not text me
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
