Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
