Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just threw up on my dentist
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
