You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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