I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
