His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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