those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
