I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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