I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
