What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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