if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm too high and old for this...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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