i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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