im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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