R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
