Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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