If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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