I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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