Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
