...so i touched it.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
