I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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