I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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