I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
