i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
