Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
