guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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