dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
