Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
