The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
