I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
