just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
