My first STD was from a foam party
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Randomize
