I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
