maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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