tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
