Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
