You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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