You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
