Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
