he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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