Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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