so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
