Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
