I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
