I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
