i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
